All right, I’ll be honest. This column has always been most appropriately described as a “soapbox.” Providing — and, to a lesser extent, settling — arguments is my job, so here comes the big one.

Outlining what falls under the definition of the word “sport” always results in arguments about the relative merits of things like cheerleading, golf and bowling. People are always quick to make some poorly thought-out assertion about the athleticism that dance, rock climbing or even band requires, as if carting around a tuba in between AV Club meetings somehow makes you a ninth grade Gale Sayers.

I’m sick of having this discussion; hence, I plan to settle it in the only way I know how — by producing an articulation of the word “sport” so perfect that only an idiot would dispute it.

Cheerleading is not a non-sport because it’s typically for neurotic blondes with disorders of both the eating and attention deficit variety (although it is); it’s a non-sport because there’s no on-the-fly competition.

Athleticism, preparation, and fitness, while commendable, do not a sport make. Saying that physical difficulty defines sport means that someone could make climbing the stairs while drunk a sport, since that requires a far more taxing effort than table tennis — which is, of course, a sport.

In order to be a sport, an activity must fulfill only two major criteria. First, it must be, on some level, physically active. Second, and more importantly, it must be the immediate, reactive physical implementation of a strategy designed to beat an opponent.

This eliminates a lot of the pastimes that we typically refer to as sports. Golf, for one, is a turn-based competition where your play is independent of your opponent’s. While your strategy might be tailored to your opponent’s score — perhaps taking necessary risks to close a deficit, or playing conservatively with a large lead — there is no active, direct response to an opponent’s action that must be translated into a physical performance. This makes it a game, on equal footing with bowling, billiards, archery, etc.

A qualifier on the physically active rule is that the action must be done on the part of a human being. Activities within the “race” category (track, swimming, downhill skiing) are sports, because they involve an individual battling the clock as a representation of another racer who could, theoretically, be competing at the same time, on the same playing field. However, once a car, horse, kangaroo or lawnmower is added, it ceases to be a sport.

Finally, what angers me more than anything is the idea that some activities can become sports simply by popular consent (poker), or that things like ballet are somehow less worthy or difficult due to their exclusion from the Sports Club.

Furthermore, anyone who uses the argument, “But it’s in the Olympics!” should be taken behind the woodshed and shot. The all-inclusive Olympics are as relevant an authority on sport as Sean Penn is on foreign policy.

All of this provides a fairly broad spectrum of behavior that could be classified as sport. However, the physical stress involved is still important. Let’s not go overboard and say that poker players are somehow athletes because the game requires “stamina.” I know people hooked to dialysis machines that are more athletic than most professional card players.

So, to clarify: Unless you are making an immediate, athletic response to your opponent’s physical action — not a sport. Out: golf, sailing, synchronized swimming, billiards, chess, poker, weightlifting, cheerleading, gymnastics.

Cheerleading is not a sport!

Your outrage is appreciated.